My words to you...

There was the first little movement of, what was supposed to be your heart. It triggered the movement of all its little formative neighbours and it all started with that…….

An un-imaginable, incredible rush of the red coloured career via which the life support is being carried all over.

Your life has already begun.

I did not know that you were already there. I did not know that thousands of emotions were already being churned inside me. I did not understand why certain things were happening to my body.

Then the angel told me. The angel told me that wrapped in my love, you were on your journey. One day I would hold you in my arms. The angel told me that a relation was already born.

From that very moment, I have been weaving numberless strands of dreams. Dreams of different colours. White as the clouds, blue as the sky, pink as the blossom and green as the new saplings.

You are on your journey and my heart is beating fast. I cannot afford to be less careful with myself. I cannot afford to love myself any less, I look at myself in the mirror and see a new me.
As you are growing inside me, I am growing every moment.

And one day, not very far from this day, you will be in my arms.

Waiting for you, waiting every moment, my dear child….is your Ma…

Photograph: From internet

I am your dream. I live in your heart, rise in your sleep and rest in your consciousness. When you try to hold me, I disappear. I land like a fairy on your life’s petals. I am elusive, I am ephemeral, I am ethereal yet I am real. I am existent, I am endless.

To a poet, I am the harbinger of his countless emotions. To a beloved, I am the summary of her untold desires. To the children, I am their play replayed in their sleep, the zenith of their bed time story. I am the hundred fairies hiding in their pillows, awaiting to take them to a faraway land.

I cannot be touched, I cannot be tied, I cannot be possessed, yet I am all yours. I live through your deeds, I thrive in your convictions and I paint a better world for you.

Dream though I am, I do not let you sleep, I make you sweat and I make you strive. Entwined with your faith and your pledge, I take you high on the clouds until you hold in your palm, what you aspired for.

And then I take a new birth and I am all new again. I live and relive till eternity.

Don’t let me go away from you, ever….

Photograph: from internet

A reason to live!

Pansy, my little Pansy. I first noticed her bundled in white sheets, with eyes shut tight. Her wrinkled skin was as pink as a blooming rose. She looked so delicate that I was afraid to hold her in my arms, lest I hurt her.

Pansy. She is born with a complex medical situation termed as Hydrocephalus, which means, in simple terms, she has cavities in her brain filled with water. This condition has posed challenges before this little soul more than I could have, any day, imagined. She cannot stand, she sits with support, she cannot chew solid food and depends on liquid diet, she cannot speak, cannot feel, cannot emote. No one knows what she sees when her eyes move around the room.

After her birth, the doctors had said that she would not live for long. A week’s time may be, or a month but not more than that.

Pansy was in such a hurry to see the world that she took birth during the seventh month of her mother’s pregnancy. With all the complexities her mother had faced, no one could have believed that Pansy would take birth, alive. And then her family was sure that she would have a short life on the earth.

I am her full-time nurse. I hold her with extra care, in the softest of sheets I can. When I hold her, I feel like holding my entire world in my arms. I see the little bosom going up and down and tell myself, she is breathing. The ballet of life is still going on. She is still alive.

So convincing were the doctors about her short span of life that she was not given a name. The family, I could see, was always fighting to free themselves from the emotional bondage Pansy was taking them into, they were trying hard to be rational and stoic.

When I saw her, I named her Pansy.

Pansy came into my life at the time when I had found my own world being meticulously broken, by providence, piece by piece. My near ones, most of them, bid me goodbye and dear ones informed me that the life's accounts have been settled and there remained no dues in life’s balance sheet. So I started a new journey, at the age of 60, all alone, with Pansy in my life.

I have witnessed doctors being unsure about administering her immunusation, she will not live, after all, they said. The family organized no festivity to celebrate her birth, she will not live, after all, the family feared. They did not name her either.

But she has been living. I have seen the little body breathing, day and night, I have seen the delicate eyes sleep and wake up, every morning for days, weeks, months and past four years! Four years, she is still alive! And since four years, I have been her soldier. I have fought for her right to immunusation; I have fought for her right to have a name and fought hard for hosting a homecoming celebration. And this soldier has been a winner all through.

No one knows, for how long Pansy will live. Her parents are caught between the two ends and her siblings are eagerly watching over her. I have explained all of them, how special Pansy is and have ensured that the siblings are protective about her.

If only God could let the family move on, that is what everyone says. Yes, of course, the family has a future to move to. Pansy’s siblings have future to be secured.

Only Pansy and I do not have one. We have no future. We have only this moment, a moment to love. To bask in each other’s company, to watch as life passes by till it comes to a quiet halt some day.

Till then, we have a reason to live!

Photograph: from internet