My
child and I were in the middle of scanning her toy basket for giving away some
toys to our domestic help, for her grandson.
This is a regular activity; her dresses, especially, go away to some
children at the roadside temporary shacks, to the auto drivers or the domestic
helps.
“Amma,
give away this doll, I do not like it anymore” said my child. I, with all the detachment philosophy I could
master, preached, “Come on, the real satisfaction of giving is when you give away
something which you like, which you are attached to.”
To
that, my baby picked up her Indian-Barbie doll and said, immediately, ‘Then let
us give away this”.
It was
my chance to be upset now; all the inflated Buddha-ism of sacrifice was out, as
if someone had pricked in a pin into my ego!
I was shocked. I had bought that particular Indian Barbie for my
daughter, online, shelling out about ` 800 for that doll and it was
just about few months ago. I explained to my child that this doll was not okay
for a little child since its long synthetic hair may chock him and that is how
I saved the doll and kept at home.
But my child had shown me my mirror image. I wondered, where did all my preaching about letting go, vanish?
I once
got a phone call from my dear friend who had to lighten her heavy heart, she
said. She had just viewed a photograph
of her ex-boy friend with his wife. What
disturbed her mostly, was that he was holding his wife’s hands very
affectionately. It has been 20 years
that they had parted ways, very amicably and they had remained good friends. She
told me that she never had imagined that even after 20 years, the photograph of
her ex holding his wife’s hands would cause such turmoil! She felt cheated, again and her wounds bled fresh! She
felt those hands belonged only to her!
Had
not she let go off her past, even after 20 years, even after she was a happy
lady with a very happy family and three sweet kids?
How
does a person let go? How does one forgive and how does one forget?
I remember
reading a book where the author says that the mind saves its first
memories. It does not apply logic. When my friend was with her ex, the mind knew
they were together for life. Any new
developments in her life and new entrants were unsaved files as far as mind was
concerned. She and he belonged to each other;
that was it!
The
book also talked about using rituals to let go.
For example, the author herself actually throws her previous wedding
ring into fire before saying she said ‘Yes’ to her new partner. Her previous marriage had been an utter
failure and she had found a real partner in her new man but she was unable to
say yes to any kind of long time commitment, marriage, to be precise.
When
memories are left lingering in the air, those bubbles tend to return and hit us
softly. Do we need to prick them, burst
them to bring us back to the reality?
The
biggest letting go I have done in my life was let my father go. No, not that we could anyway hold him
back. We are only pawns in the game of
providence. But sitting beside my ailing
father, I prayed the Almighty to do what is best, for Almighty knows what is
best. My mother and my brother did the
same, they said. And my father left for
the heavenly abode, never to be with us in the body he had received during this
birth.
And in
no time, we believed, heart and soul that he was no more.
People
depart or leave our lives but memories remain.
Mind is a selective memory keeper and some of these feed our emotions
times and again. Memories feed our need
for that sheer joy of pain, sheer satisfaction of sorrow, the pleasure of self-pity
and sometimes feeling of helplessness.
And
yes, it has no logic…….
At
times most illogical repentance, grievance, house in the most logical hearts
and minds. Even after my father long
gone, I feel helpless when an incidence surfaces my memory.
While
traversing the long hot and windy lands of Gujarat once, my father wanted to
have some Sprite to cool off. Always
vigilant about his diabetes status, I asked him not to and he immediately
complied. But I keep telling myself that this man was tired and thirsty and he really
needed that but should have I let him have his cold drink or was I right in caring
for the diabetes? It has no logic; at least, no logic any more since the person
concerned is no more. But this guilt, I
could never let off. Even within an hour of his death, I cried, saying that I
did not put some water into his mouth at the last moment. My neighbors told me that being a science
student, I should not feel guilty of such things but then, what has heart to do
with science! For months to come I would
dream of my father asking for water and that dream no more comes to me. Many would have many interpretations of that
dream, I have never asked anyone but I only know that illogical guilt of not
letting him have that cold drink still has a place in my mind, I have not let
go off it!
Travel
light, they say. How light? What is the measure? Lightness has not measure, weight has.
Most
of us have a clear account of what WE have done for others and what OTHERS have
NOT done for us. Spiritual texts says in charity, one hand should never be
aware of what the other gives away . “Neki kar, dariya mein daal”.
I had
read somewhere, “In fights, never bring up the past”. And how true is that. Fight, don’t sulk, fight fairly, fight about
today, they say. Let go off some
baggage, in day to day basis…..or else the travel will be too tough.
But,
then, while travelling, we need some food and water. Those are the lessons we learn, which we need
for safe keep.
So,
while I am not travelling empty, questions linger my mind. Even when I think I have forgotten, forgiven,
how much have I done that? Am I so
graceful? No, I don’t think I am.
So,
while my good friend still sulks at the photograph of her ex and I still bear
the guilt about my father, I am happy that my thoughts have at least travelled
to this path and one day I may be more graceful in throwing away unwanted baggage’s
in some unknown well, never to be dig again.
Happy travelling
to myself….
Photo: from internet
